I certainly hope you find these little tidbits a humous repast.

December 5, 1999

I'll tell ya who's impotant...

Ex-Ventura County Sheriff Bob Brooks, opened his cowboy mouth talking about the infamous 4 day Ventura County Chief Administrator that walked out of the job after only 4 days saying that Ventura county was so messed up he didn't want anything to do with it.

Mr Brooks stated "the next time a stranger rides into town to take the chief administrative job, he might want to talk to the people that count."  Mr Brooks was talking about hisself and the Ex-Ventura County DA Mr Mike Bradbury.

Now that was really spitting tobacco juice in the eyes of all the Ventura county Supervisors, I was under the impression that Mr Mike (Hang um High) Bradbury had the biggest ego in the county, Bob Brooks took over that distiction real fast.

If both their swelled heads exploded at the same time it would resemble Hiroshima.  All Mr Brooks needed to complete the vision is a 50 gallon hat and a couple of pearl handled sixshooters, he could always borrow one of Bradbury's horses.

I wrote this to the Gang in the Ivory Tower back in January 2005.

A Few Thoughts....

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but 7 wrongs never get you anywhere.

A clean conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The final one was intended for the city manager.

Everyone repeat after me, We are all individuals.

Rellis Smith

Now here are a few Rules for the rest of us.

December 9, 2002

Couch Potato Rules

#1.  Never do any cardiovascular exercise:  Your heart is only good for so many beats, if you use them up on exercise, everything else will wear out faster.  Speeding up your heart beat by excercising is like extending the life of your car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take more naps...

#2  Everybody is already a Vegetarian.  Where does beef come from?  Cows.  What do cows eat?  Hay and corn, both vegetables, so hence eating a big ol' steak is only an efficient way of delivering vegetables to your system.  Chickens eat grain.. Well?  Pigs eat vegetable slop... Well?  And best of all you don't have to worry about drinking Beer or Wine, both of these are made from 100% vegetables.

#3.  Eat a whole lot of fried foods, remember fried foods are fried using Vegetable oil... Well?

#4.  Finally the big secret to real healthy eating is... Thicker Gravy.

Rellis Smith

This little bit of prose was dedicated to our ex-City Manager Ms Donna (Bat Lady) Landeros.

December 12, 2003

The days are short,

The nights are long,

Soon Donna Landeros will be long gone.

We'll sing, We'll dance,

We'll party all night,

The Bat is gone,

No more to bite.

The Children are safe,

The adults are joyful,

Because that women was something awful.

While she was runing the city works,

Her view was...citizens are mostly jerks,

If you were unlucky to work for dear,

It's obvious your life was full of fear.

If she felt threatened, which was most the time,

Your head could roll at the drop of a dime.

But now your safe, she's out the door,

You can pick your heart up off the floor.

Our real hope for our fair city,

Is that the council's next pick shows a little pity.

Someone with brains and lots of soul,

Not another Bat from the Fiery Hole.

Rellis Smith

November 19, 2001

This bit of prose was dedicated to the Departing Ventura County DA, Mr Mike (Hang umHigh) Bradbury.  His most important contribution to the county of Ventura was the ol' saying, "Come to Ventura on Vacation, Leave on Probation." 

Mr Bradbury even though he was being paid somewhere around $200,000/yr plus benifits was caught in 1999 taking H.U.D. rent money to allow his mother to live on his Hang un High ranch in Ojai.  He said he saw nothing wrong with that as his mother was due the money.

Dear Michael B, were sad as can be,

Your new job fell through, your here till 2003.

We thought for certain, you were well on your way,

To that Ripe Plum Job in the town of L.A.

But now they tell us, were all in a rut,

You were less than they wanted,

You couldn't make the cut.

The job was large, a lot of Indians to Chief,

They thought about you, but their thinking was brief,

The White House was silent, not a word did they utter,

Guess they didn't nead a guy who writes "Hang um High on his shutter.

You've been here now for almost 24 years,

When you go I am sure they'll be shedding some tears,

Some eyes will be wet, behind your back there'll be snickers,

Your knees will be wobblin' away in your nickers.

Don't worry or fret, you can always hit it hard,

I'm sure you can get a job as a securtiy guard.

Of course you must know, and I'm sure that it's true,

You'll have to pass a physical and a drug test too!

Rellis Smith